THE SAFE PLACE

By Roslyn Lawrance

Cathy slowly washed her face and brushed her teeth. She delayed as long as possible the moment when she had to go to bed. Strange men might be lurking under the bed, or hideous witches might fly in at the window and cast spells on her to make her do bad things. Or the devil might be waiting to take her away.

It had been a long, hot day, and she had enjoyed playing dressing up at Suzie’s house. They had pretended to be fine ladies in elegant dresses. Cathy had felt carefree and powerful as she had given commands to her imaginary servants, and they had obeyed instantly.

When she came home, she had played with her dolls. Lizzie had long, chestnut hair and Sarah cried, ‘Mama’ when she lay down, but Jenny the baby doll was Cathy’s favourite. She washed them and changed them and sang to them as she rocked them gently. Sometimes she pretended that she was the doll, and someone was softly caring for her, soothing all her hurts away.

At teatime, the children had laughed and joked and enjoyed Mummy’s shepherd’s pie. There had been strawberry ice cream for pudding, and all the children had begged for seconds. Cathy was lucky to have so many brothers and sisters. There were six of them. It meant they could share everything, and there was always someone to play with. And when Daddy came home and started to be cross, it wouldn’t always be the same child who bore the brunt of his displeasure.

Soon, it was time for Cathy to get ready for bed. She put on her pink nightie because it had short sleeves and was lovely and cool, and she brushed her long, blonde hair until all the tangles were gone. She went downstairs to say goodnight. Daddy was home now, watching television with Mummy. They each had to have their goodnight kiss. Mummy proffered her soft, powdered cheek, and didn’t look up from her programme. Daddy kissed her full on the lips, patted her on the head and said, ‘Night night Sweetie Pie,’ in his jolliest voice.

Cathy climbed the stairs slowly, folding her arms firmly across her chest, and counting the stairs as she went. It was the only way to climb the stairs to bed, and she always did it the same. At the top of the stairs, she took three long, slow steps across the landing, carefully counting each one, and then jumped into her bedroom, shutting the door hard behind her. She checked in the wardrobe and under the bed twice to make sure there were no strange men there, and she opened and closed the curtains three times to be certain no witches were waiting to come in the window. Then she sat on her bed and arranged the things on her bedside table so that they were all exactly right. Tiggy, the china squirrel went at the back with Tilly, the little peg doll next to him. Then Cathy carefully coiled the special piece of pink ribbon she had worn in her hair when she was bridesmaid to Auntie Louise. Behind it was her music box, which she wound up and listened to once, watching the tiny ballerina twirl gracefully round and round. Then she made sure that the pile of her most treasured books was quite straight and tidy. Finally, she knelt down to say her prayers. She always said the same prayer. 'Thank you for Mummy and Daddy and my brothers and sisters. Please bless the poor. Please don’t let strange men or witches get me. And please, please keep the devil away.'

At last, she was ready to climb into bed. It was too hot to be covered with blankets, so she pulled them down to the bottom of the bed, but she left the sheet on. It was important to have the sheet over her. She thumped the pillow three times and looked at the clock. It was half past eight and she was supposed to be asleep by nine. If she wasn’t, something dreadful might happen. Or she might die. She shut her eyes tightly and concentrated on going to sleep, but the more she tried, the harder it became. She began to feel panicky inside, and she was so frightened that she started to tremble. What if she couldn’t go to sleep? She heard the hall clock strike the hour. It was nine o’ clock. Nothing had happened. Perhaps it would be all right after all. She closed her eyes again. Perhaps it would be all right.

She heard noises downstairs. Mummy would be watching her programmes for at least another hour. Daddy was coming up to have his wash and to kiss all the children goodnight. He came every night to check them and give them a kiss. It showed how much he loved them, he said. Cathy lay with her eyes closed, listening to the water running in the bathroom, and the splish splash as Daddy washed himself. He was very particular about being clean and was very angry if any of the children went around with dirty faces. Sometimes, he bathed them himself to make sure they were properly clean. Cathy wished he wouldn’t. She thought she was too old to have him bath her, and she hated the way he scrubbed so hard it hurt.

He was finished now. She could hear the water running away. He was going to the twins’ bedroom. He never stayed there long. Now he was softly closing their door. He padded across the landing to the girls’ room. They went to sleep a long time ago and she heard him switch off their light. He wouldn’t go in to the baby. He might wake her up and then she would cry. Daddy didn’t like the baby to cry. He would come straight to her. She heard the door slowly open and then gently close behind him, and she lay with her eyes closed pretending to be asleep. Daddy sat on the bed. She was perfectly still and quiet and so was he. Perhaps tonight he would think she really was asleep. She felt him lean forwards and kiss her on the lips again, and she smelled the freshness of the soap and felt the warmth of his body. He began to stroke her hair. ‘Hello Sweetie Pie. Daddy’s here. I know you’re awake.’

And she opened her eyes because she knew she had to. She saw him sitting there, leaning over her, wearing his green pyjama trousers. The ones with the cord to tie them up, not the ones with the buttons. He smiled at her and she knew she had to go away. She closed her eyes again.

‘That’s right, Sweetie Pie,’ she heard him saying, as she felt herself growing lighter and lighter until she was no bigger or heavier than a fairy. Slowly, and ever so quietly, her fairy self slipped out of her body and floated up, almost to the ceiling. Across the room she floated to the window, and she was so tiny that she could tuck herself behind the curtain and look out of the window. It wasn’t properly dark yet, and she could see the cats chasing each other while bats flew to and fro in the dusk. They lived in the loft. The children weren’t allowed up there, but sometimes Cathy climbed up anyway and hid herself with a book and a torch. No one would know where she was, and she could stay there for hours. The fairy Cathy watched Mr. Green come home from the pub, and Mrs. Green came out to meet him. But she couldn’t hear what they were saying. All she could hear were strange groanings and sighings. She felt afraid and knew she had to go further away. She floated through the thin crack in the window frame, and up and up, through the evening sky, right above the clouds. And here, at last, it was quiet. She could see the stars stretching away to eternity, twinkling with all their might, especially, it seemed, for her. She could see the moon shining brightly, and she knew there was a man in the moon smiling at her. She knew he was kind and gentle, and she wished she could go to him, but knew she could not. She lay down in the soft, fluffy clouds and rolled over and over. Nothing and no one could touch her here. It was oh, so safe and beautiful.

She did not know how long she lay there in the clouds watching the stars, and feeling the goodness of the man in the moon. She wished she could stay there for ever, enveloped by the softness of the clouds. Slowly, however, she felt herself growing heavier. She knew she must go back. She resisted, but the pull was too strong. She sank gently through the clouds, and as she did so, she could no longer see the twinkling stars or the glorious moon. Relentlessly, she felt herself being drawn backwards through the crack in the window frame. For a moment, she stayed behind the curtains, but even that refuge was soon lost to her as her fairy self was again absorbed into the ordinary Cathy.

She screwed her eyes up tightly and clenched her teeth. She hated this bit when she returned and everything hurt so much. Her body felt crushed and bruised and torn, and she thought her heart would break, it hurt so very, very much. She wished Mummy could be there to rock her and make it better. But Mummy wouldn’t come. Cathy knew that.

She lay quite still and slowly opened her eyes. Daddy was waiting for her to open her eyes. He always did. He was standing over her and she knew he would be cross. He always was.

‘You’ve been a bad girl again Cathy. You must try harder to be good.’

(Oh, but she did try, Daddy. She tried so hard every day to be good.)

‘Remember, I’ll know if you tell lies, or say bad things about me, and the devil will come and take you away.’

(She would never, ever say bad things about you, Daddy. And please, please don’t let the devil take her away.)

‘Now turn over, close your eyes and go to sleep.’

So he left her and shut the door quietly. Cathy reached out for Jenny. She held her tightly as she curled herself up into a ball and gently rocked herself until she fell asleep.

And strange men and witches and the devil haunted her dreams.