BASIC COUNSELLING SKILLS

By Dr Rosa Hubbard-Ford

Consider first of all the basis of good communication skills and note that only about 7% of communication is through speech. Where does the remainder come from then? It comes from both your body language and tone of voice. So here are a few suggestions which can be practised in your personal life with family, friends and colleagues so they become natural to you.

When preparing for the interview, put your chairs at an angle to each other as sitting opposite each other might feel a bit threatening – and if you have a desk between you, this will distance you from the Chainbreaker. If you are relaxed, it will put her at ease. Try to leave your arms and legs uncrossed to indicate you are open minded and willing to listen. Lean slightly towards her so she realises you are interested in what she is saying. But beware of leaning too far into her space, as this can be scary and intimidating, or leaning too far away from her, which may indicate you’re bored or don’t want to be with her. Similarly, try to maintain eye contact (but not a fixed stare!) to let her know you’re interested in what she’s saying to you. If you look around the room, at the clock or out of the window, this may show you’re not interested, or don’t have time for her story. It might be hard for the Chainbreaker to maintain eye contact with you, so allow her this. In time, when she knows you’re listening to her, she’ll gain confidence and will be able to meet your eyes with hers as she builds trust in the relationship. Even someone who’s visually impaired will know if you’re looking at them as you incline your head in their direction.

Throughout the interview, it’s important to observe:

ACTIVE LISTENING

Active listening means giving the Chainbreaker your full and undivided attention. You’re engaged in a dialogue of great importance to her, and she needs to know she has your full attention and interest. Active listening also involves making appropriate responses.

There might be times when you don’t understand what you’re being told. It’s fine to ask for clarification so you’re better able to help.

All this takes time, practice and experience to develop. Active listening isn’t a natural attribute. Your role in using these skills will be to create a positive relationship between you and the Chainbreaker.

You may find there are some things that are hard for you to hear. Child sexual abuse is a very sensitive and painful subject. The Chainbreaker needs to know you can listen to her story and not ‘shut your ears’ because it’s too painful or uncomfortable for you.

SCENARIO

You might hear a sound like a firework, be aware of it, and just carry on with what you’re doing, not really paying much attentions to it. It’s a firework, and that’s it!

However, you might want to know more about the firework. You might want to know what time it went off, how close it was, any after effects of it being let off, perhaps what type or size of firework it was. A rocket will sound very different from a sparkling fountain or a Catherine wheel. So in this case, you’ll listen to the firework rather than just hear it, and you’ll analyse the sounds in greater detail.

Similarly, active listening when you’re working with a Chainbreaker:

1. Requires being fully attentive and connected with her during an interview;

2. Is not only hearing what is said, but also what is not said;

3. Entails observing everything you can about her;

4. Means you’re alert to everything she says;

5. Involves helping her to clarify her thoughts and feelings, which may be confused;

6. Is letting her know you have heard and understood;

7. Entails checking you heard what she intended to convey (see 3. Reflecting.)

EMPATHY

Empathy is being sensitive and aware of the feelings of the Chainbreaker, experiencing her pain vicariously through sharing her experience as she relates it.

Empathy is not bringing your own experiences to the interview, saying something like, ‘Well, I had a similar experience, and ….’

Empathy is not telling the Chainbreaker, ‘Someone else suffered abuse and got over it by …’

Empathy is being able to see, notice and realize how someone sees their life, what is happening to them and what has happened to them.

Empathy in interviews with Chainbreakers is about being able to feel you’re alongside her at the time she was abused, maybe as a young child, and experiencing with her the terror or confusion she may have felt, the helplessness of the defenceless child, and being able to affirm to that child she isn’t alone, voiceless, trapped in her experiences. You are there with her, present and alongside her in her unique situation. It’s about being able to feel explicitly what the Chainbreaker is feeling, or has felt, and being an ‘enlightened witness’ – someone who knows what she’s feeling as if having been there with her – to her suffering. Sharing in this way is validating for the Chainbreaker, who perhaps has never been believed before, or may never have previously spoken about the abuse.